i tried say goodbye

i’ve tried updating my blog but to no avail.
the website screwed up by post.
so this is my secondary post.
my ears are still ringing from the noise yesterday.
i went to watch the simple plan still not getting any concert.
it was such a rocked out concert.
i did enjoy myself even though i had apprehensions in the first place.
but they were great.
i jumped till my legs are now numb.

its good to once in awhile rock out.

but the aftermath of the concert is a hall full of dirt.
like life itself.
you can have all the fun in the world.
but still will be left feeling depressed.
i was angry the other day.
and my previously deleted post was full of anger.
but i am okay now.. i guess.

its no wonder people smile at you.
they think you are crazy.
they speak to you in a different tongue.
do you believe in walkin contradictions,
people getting angry without a basis?
so do you believe that you are a hypocrite?
come on,
we all are in a way.
just stare truth in the face and say “cheese!!”

my friends crashed at my place the night before.
it was an impromptu kinda thing but it was cool.
i like playing host i dunno why also.
its like being mrs dalloway,
giving parties but at the same time fearing that it’ll be a failure.
sometimes we do things and fear that we’ll fail.
and when we do fail,
we are afraid of getting.
we cooked instant noodles and ate them.
my friend was drunk.
they went home not long ago.

i shan’t go to work.
cos my legs has rendered themselves immobile.
they would only carry me around my house
and outside to get me some food
cos i am Hungry with the capital h.
its been three days since i’ve gone to work.

its also been so long,
yet i’ve yet to tell them.
why?
what has come over me?

i’ve been trying to get to my sis
but no..
she ain’t picking up..
course i’ve not forgotten her..
“at the tone you can choose…”
thats not her.
i know that.
thats the tone that signals:
her phone is turned off or
she’s unreacheable.
duh.

okays, enough for now.
will go get simple plan’s album.

empty stomach won’t allow words no more.

forgive me dearly for my mistakes please.

i shall hit “publish post” now.

there’s no turning back.

are u something like a hero…

finally, after shopping around i found the skin that i really liked. I chose because its nice. duh!

i finally got the letter that i’ve been waitin for. A wave of relieve washes over me, i finally feel cleansed; cleaned.

I’ve been falling all this time. Falling into a deep abyss of never-ending sickness. Its always the case, when i think i’m in the pink of health i fall ill. Maybe i should start taking care of myself again. Off to the gym again. I should start calling jess over again.

On the 19th March, i sent my friends away on their trip to Manila. I was suddenly captured by a feeling of sadness inside me. I’ve always thought that it would be nice to go on a trip, any trip that has to do with a plane. Taking planes are all about taking risks. You will never know when it’ll come crashing down. What will you do then? Let death take its course then. Remain silent. I hope my friends are safe and sound over there. No word from them at all.

Its so abruptly that this epiphany came. I suddenly felt that i do not want to care about her life anymore. Its been almost close to one day that no call was given out to her by me. Is it that i am turning cold towards her. She’d once said that she sometimes feels that she’s been cast into the the backseat of the car. I finally get whet she means, cos i’m feeling the same way now. But it does not matter. It feels good at the backseat. I am tired of hearing fake laughters and sudden comeuppance. Its not nice and i shall not want to care or approach it. Why find trouble when trouble might just come and bite u back in the arse.

i am drowsy. could this be death knockin on my soul at last?

goodbye.

ming

then she places a duvet over me and whispers…

what does she say? i do not even know. the days have gone by and still no answer. this quietnesses is sometimes frightening.

my cold sore is coming back. its so irritating. argh!

i do not know what to type also. i once was so tired when i went to shower i forget to wash of conditioner from my hair. that was supposed to be a funny moment. if you did not laugh its alright. ha ha.

i’ve just gotten this really cool album by this new artist called feist. very chilled out i must say. i like chilled out sometimes. just want to get away and go.. somewhere. its haunting its chilling. its everything u never knew.

would you then sometimes let out a cry? when u go to a bank and take cash, and u see an old man and u just want to help. when u go up to him and see if he needs help he turns to u and hollers at u. i promise myself never to help old people with their cash at banks. he thinks i want to take his money. that was so wrong.

i have a plan. i’ve conceived it. would then i be able, to give birth to it successful. ooo.. beats. bass. then your body slowly gyrates to the beat of the song. song and dance. a perfect couple made in heavenly hell. just wanna get on a plane.

smile for me ya.

bye.

ming

then it all comes down

i sit here feeling frustrated over the littleliest of things. like why does my cd player keep skipping. its so irritating to think that people may just put you down just because you are goin for private diploma. can’t they just shut the fuck up! i just want to drown out all their voices. its because the fucked up government can’t see beyond the grade. its that i have no choice. i am left standing helpless.. can’t they just see..

then i sit here letting the loud rocked out music sweep over me then the song skips. fuck. the stupid cd player. i am hanging in the balance. what if they don’t get back to me? what will become of me? why can’t my life just go on? is it the room i’m in? i do not know. at times like this, i just want to pull out my drawer take out my pen and paper and just write till my appetite is satisfied. but why do it with hands when u can do electronically? its not the same thats why… electronic methods equals emotionless meaning.

its just so fucked up. everything. my life my feelings.. i do not know anymore. frustration seems to be an outlet i give into easily these days. i get frustrated then i calm myself up. why can’t life just be. i’m reliving the times i do not want to relive. thats why i am workin. thats the only thing thats keeping me sane. i just wanna have fun and be free be me… is that too much ask for? i do not know anymore seriously.

retail therapy.. i want to do that to relieve the pain inside of me.. i spend too much for my own good. its all human nature. tired of living in this shadow tired of having to think of what the others are thinking. tired of having to be not being able to be. tired of being afraid, having low self esteem. i try to forget about it but i cannot.. i just want it cleared. it seems i cannot. cos it won’t go away. i just want to type away. somrtimes i want things to just stop. wanna go dancing through the crowd. yearning for a wild friend to just be crazy and laugh like tomorrow is just a fucked up word. yearning for everything that i want but i am lost.

is it me or sometimes i feel that my dreams won’t surface. i say that i need just this bit that would suffice. but who am i kidding. we are always telling ourselves lies that would in the end catch up with us. yes, i am tired of listening i am tired of having to care what ur problems are. but then again i can’t just say how i feel cos i do not know how would they react. i am a walking contradiction. and i hate it that its that way. why i am typing this anyways??!! is this another outlet? or is this just another way to get attention? is this me trying to write how i feel so people would just come up to me, put their hands on my shoulders and ask “are you okay?” maybe this is just it.

we want people to know how we feel. we want people to see our lives so we can be satisfied. we say we want to make a connection to the world. yea right. i’ll be blunt today. why do you need to write how u feel electronically? tell me?!! why am i doing it? i shall go to work tomorrow and just forget about it. i see people everyday and i do not care. what they think of me. why can’t i just have a smooth external face. and not be afrail of what they are thinking of me? its time i see a shrink for my facial condition. what then? stuff myself with pills again. intoxicate my body till one day if the cut open my body they’ll see just only pills!! a horrible sight.

i am faithless. am i startin to get tired of being faithless. i do not know also. why do we have to have a faith in order for us to have luck? i am so tired weary. save me please?

finally woken..

its been set in stone. i cannot and am not able to enter any government instituition. it comes as no shock. i’ve tired it last year and this year. nothing is new.

thats why i’ve decided to go private. mass comm is always my passion. and i will have to go through another route to get. and i dun mind if it is such a route. for in life a poly dip and private dip may not have much diff.. so yea there u go…

When you are drowning alone how can u save yourself? Thats what it is… The quiksand may just take u in and if u struggle how can u ever get out? I just won’t struggle anymore. i’ll just do this dip go to the army come out try to get a job and if poss do a bachelor degree incorp. adv dip. we’ll see. when desperation seeps in and u have only one route to choose; take it.

I see the many pairs of legs stepping on the ground. people comes and goes in your life. how do you ever pick and choose the one’s u wanna cherish for life? a wave of sadness might just come into your life and wash away your happiness. forever. gloominess shall set in and you pour your tears out into a bucket.
love may come easy to some but to others it comes as a price.

i’ve written to many letters. i do not want to beg anymore. its no use telling them to give me a chance when all they do is toss your letter once side and give snide remarks. they mock and ur eagerness for wanting to try. don’t they see we are the desperate ones.

i hope u get what u want. we will have the last laugh i assure you. no one can say what my life be down the around.

goodbye my dear fren. i know the truth before it comes out. but little miracles may happen. close your eyes and pray.