voices trapped in yearning

guess that zuzz won’t be posting anymore. oh well that is ok as long as he is happy. one’s happiness is actually most important of all. if you can be happy then you won’t be happy with the things and people around you. but somtimes its so hard to find happiness in a life that is already so long forlorn.

jess dear and sis seems to be so troubled with their current situations. but they have to be strong k. i cannot offer much, this is all i have to offer. reading sis’s blog was funny. dunno why also. seems like u had quite an adventure huh. hahaha.

love is such an incomprehensible thing. one moment everything is fine and the next everything just comes falling down. life is some what the same pattern. you are happy then the depressed. sometimes you get so confused that you do not know how to feel and talk.

tomorrow i go back to school. hope i will be able to catch up. for now i am so tired and full if headache.

i shall rest.

things will turn out ok if i try.

ming.

is pride to be swallowed always?

there is always something that brings u down when u are not doin well.

sometimes u get tired of chasing for things that seems always distant.

School has been okay. Its only the travelling that is such a drag. Its like one end of singapore to the other. But oh well things we do for our education. It will pay off, i hope.

humble and kind.

I am leaving words behind as i type. Just want to leave behind traces.

smile.

my stomach really hurts now.

nights.

review notes.

tomorrow-school.

ming.

run run baby run…

after a long wait, i finally started school. i dunno its a very weird feeling, to be sitted in a class of people and listening to lectures. but then again its a whole new experience for me. the subjects i’m taking are very new to me. but i hope all will be well.

the second day of school just ended. made a couple of new friends. still setting into school.

will tell more next time, lazy to type.
ming

why do you love me.. driving me crazy!!

sometimes you do not know why you get into this kinda arguments with your mom. it was such a small thing amplified. and its very frustrating. sometimes the things she say just get you so. sighs. but nevermind. its over the fight will never last. i hope.

anyways enough of such trivial matters. lets not forget that life maybe short and if you don’t start living it now you never know when you may go. tomorrow school starts for me. i don’t know. i hope its gonna be a new beginning for me. so fingers crossed.

yesterday i went clubbing again. i can’t believe i actually went clubbing twice in a week. my pockets are becoming really empty. went to china black this time. and it was an okay experience. we had to queue like for 2 hours before we can even enter the club. but it was fun kinda fun standing in queue. but the damn club was so packed. packed full of people. and the funniest thing was that no one was really dancing on the dance floor. so thats that. it took us awhile to get used to place. but we slowly eased into thing. and overall it was nice. had too much to drink was a lil bit high but was still straight. left there at about 5am and waited till 6am for the extra charges to be gone took a cab reached home watched tv and crashed.

there. my clubbing story. the end. feeling kinda lousy. not abt the clubbing thing tho. more abt the stupid mom son fight shit.

we’re back in san francisco

to be able to escape. that would be a sin so grave i would die. but how can one not think of escaping. when all around you you feel trapped. unable to speak unable to be free? i would love to write a narrative essay. its been quite awhile since i wrote. ideas would overflow inside my head whenever i was given a chance to write. and i haven’t written in what seem like forever.

Its time i did run away. I thought to myself as i walked through the empty hall of my school. An incessant headache was pressing against my skull. I would like to just crack my head up and see what was going on inside. I continue walking as my face met the cold winter breeze of December. How I wish my feelings could be frozen, so that I do not need to feel them.

Thoughts like those swam around my head till i reached home. Something was amiss. My front door was left ajar. I pushed it open as a loud creak was sent into my house. “Mom?”, I called out. No response. I cautiously walked into my house. A strong scent met my nose. As instinct would have told me, I knew it was gas. I ran immediatley to the kitchen to turn off the gas. After doing so, I ran upstairs only to find my mother laying peacefully on her bed. A letter addressed to me was laid on the bedside table. Quivering, i slowly picked it up.

“Dearest Kaysha”, it read. “By the time you open this letter I would have already joined our Holy Father. I’m sorry if I had made you feel less special in anyway. I realised that I could no longer live in this body of mine. Since your Dad passed i saw no worth in my life. I cannot help but blame myself for causing his death. Everyday and everynight i would pray that the Holy Father would forgive. But I saw no use in that. The only way that would liberate my soul was to join your father. Please be strong for yourself. I know its selfish of me to leave you like that but I cannot help it. Your Mother Always, Samelia.”

No one knew about that letter. All I knew was that my neighbour had came over and called the proper authorities. Next I knew I was flown over to San Francisco to join my Uncle Uchenkev.

I was gone. I knew it was no use that i continued lving too. But somehow I still lived my life the way I did. Each and everyday drifting in and out of depression. It was like a sailboat never ceasing to sway.

I realise this story is getting a little bit stupid. Will continue it next time k. If i feel like it.

I wanna leave……….

ming.

fumbling towards ecstasy

i just got back from another wild night. i pushed open the door and silently entered my abode. no one stirred and no one spoke. suddenly struck by this sudden epiphany, i decided to finally clear up my room. it was so sudden and strange. now my room’s all clean. what a satisfying feeling.

i am already so tired but here i am typing away. like a crazy madman. the wild night was fun. it was such an impromptu kinda thing but it was lovely. danced my life away and spent money on drinks like money was water. but it was all good. did not get high or anything. so once again no kick. but i will get a kick in the face if i continue doing this. my pockets all empty and cashless.

its so ironic how everyone around me is either falling in love or have already fallen in love. but sometimes i do not see the need as to falling in love. of course its always nice to see all the sweetness but there will always be the bitterness. its like the taste of tobacco for the first time. it was the lousiest thing one can taste. but i kinda liked it. just smoking for casual purposes.

you found love. you sing about it tasting better than ice cream. then the ice cream melts and you are left lickin nothing but an empty cone. i do not know why i am typing this also. its so funny. must the song that is entering my ears. its affectin me. but i do not care.

haven’t met up with so many people yet. but will k. i promise.

why do you fumble towards ecstasy when ecstasy may just be within your reach?
why do you think love is so uncertain you already have it do cherish it.

blah.

bye.

its suddenly…

its suddenly so cold here. you are left suddenly standing naked in the middle of this crossroad. no summer winter spring or autumn meets or greets you. you slowly curve your body to a squat. you lay your naked self on the cold street. the only warm thing that meets your skin are your tears. you weep it all out onto the ground. you create a stream where u visualize that your troubles are flowing away. and you do hope that your troubles will be able to take you to a higher ground. you are in a fetal position. its cold. please troubles take me away. but to no avail. you are still left in this fetal position. no warm touch comes to you. no warm hug. no friends no family. just you and yourself.

its so bleak here. nothingness fills this void.will you ever see the sun again. its breakage would be a sweet reprieve. paradise in your mind no longer exist. everyone has walked away from you. afraid to come near you. the hard ground makes you bleed. when when when. wil a kind soul come. you are bleeding you are bleeding. a wild concoction of blood and tears are mixed. this sudden spell has risen.

suddenly out of nowhere. you are warm. no reason whatsoever. a warm blanket blankets you. the crossroad is no longer bleak and cold. it is bright. you see a familiar figure. she lays her hands on you. she whispers it is okay. you are safe now. you realise you are somewhere far gone. its too late to turn back now. you say i’m okay i really am. she tells you there’s no turning back. blood starts rolling down her pure virginal cheeks. you weep once again.

she engulfs you in her warm fiery embrace.

ming.

its suddenly…

its suddenly so cold here. you are left suddenly standing naked in the middle of this crossroad. no summer winter spring or autumn meets or greets you. you slowly curve your body to a squat. you lay your naked self on the cold street. the only warm thing that meets your skin are your tears. you weep it all out onto the ground. you create a stream where u visualize that your troubles are flowing away. and you do hope that your troubles will be able to take you to a higher ground. you are in a fetal position. its cold. please troubles take me away. but to no avail. you are still left in this fetal position. no warm touch comes to you. no warm hug. no friends no family. just you and yourself.

its so bleak here. nothingness fills this void.will you ever see the sun again. its breakage would be a sweet reprieve. paradise in your mind no longer exist. everyone has walked away from you. afraid to come near you. the hard ground makes you bleed. when when when. wil a kind soul come. you are bleeding you are bleeding. a wild concoction of blood and tears are mixed. this sudden spell has risen.

suddenly out of nowhere. you are warm. no reason whatsoever. a warm blanket blankets you. the crossroad is no longer bleak and cold. it is bright. you see a familiar figure. she lays her hands on you. she whispers it is okay. you are safe now. you realise you are somewhere far gone. its too late to turn back now. you say i’m okay i really am. she tells you there’s no turning back. blood starts rolling down her pure virginal cheeks. you weep once again.

she engulfs you in her warm fiery embrace.

ming.

nothing right’s i’m torn

its been only one day i think…
and i’m here typing…
typing my heart out?
left of the middle is such a great album…
its so therapeutic in a way.

should’ve seen just what was there and not some holy light.

i saw one of my closet just now..
while i was out.
then suddenly all that was lost came rushing back.
all those memories that were once lost; now found.
he is doing alright
we’ll meetup soon.
i know we will.

i’ve yet to meetup with zuzz also..
i will.. soon..
i’m always usin that word.
i will make time..
i really would.

zuzz… my dear friend sounds so.. i dunno.. depressed.
i know he is…
zuzz.. school is like that…
just do not care all about all those bitches and basturds..
they are prolly jealous of you fab fashion sense..
chill bro..
watch connie and carla…
we’ll meetup soon…
smile ya…

i love lush fm…
its such a cool radio station…
try it…
please…

my sister…
she snipped off her hair…
hm.. i wonder how it looks like..
please post it..
and guess what girl…
dad actually got calling cards but he did not give it to me to use..
now i can call ya freely…
whoopee…

somtimes changes are groovy…..

its good to sometimes have positive feelings…
but negativity seeps through positivity then u’ll get depression.

lush lush lush….

ok.. enough for one day or night….

bye…
see ya…
bye…
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